Life Goes On…Posted: May 28, 2010
This is a story about how everything comes full circle and how God has answered prayers in my own life. This is hard to write and put out in the world, but here it is.
(By the way, I think God answers all of our prayers, he just may not answer them they way we want Him to. After all, no is an answer. And really, I’m sure you all know a kid whose parents never, ever said no to them. And are you friends with them? Probs not.)
Anyway, this is a post that I started on Wednesday night when honestly, I was feeling pretty down about some things. Usually when I write something like this, I don’t post it immediately because I need to sleep on it and make sure that it’s something that I actually want available for the entire world to read. And usually it’s not. In fact, it’s not really finished because I knew I probably wouldn’t post it. I am definitely the kind of person that gets upset about stuff and mad, but I don’t want to talk about it because typically, given the severity of the issue, give me a few hours and I’m totally fine and not upset anymore. But I want to include this. It’s a relevant part of my story. Okay, here goes.
This is my effort at being totally and completely transparent. I hope that this actually makes sense. We’ll see how it goes….
Lately, I’ve been feeling, despite my best efforts, not good enough. It’s strange feeling this way because I can honestly say that I don’t recall ever feeling this way before. I’ve never done the best I could and it hasn’t been good enough.
Well, except maybe in sports, but that’s another subject for another day.
It’s hard feeling this way. It’s almost like feeling unloved. In fact, I’d say it’s really close to feeling like that. Because when people love you, they typically think that you’re good enough, just the way you are. Anything else you do is just extra. I miss feeling loved everyday. I miss being around and working around people that like me for me. I don’t expect everyone to like me because, quite frankly, I don’t like everyone. But deep down, I think everyone wants to be liked on some level or at least respected.
I have seriously cried so much about this today. And I am not (much of) a crier. Even now, sitting here writing this, I am tearing up. These emotions aren’t easy to have, especially when people expect you to be strong and not care what other people think.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I am good enough for God. Just as I am. I don’t have to put forth my best effort or wear my cutest outfit. I can come dirty, just having done the worst thing ever (whatever that might be.) And He doesn’t care. What a freeing feeling!!
So that was how I was feeling Wednesday night, before I went to work on Thursday. I haven’t written about my job much because I don’t want to leave bad memories on here. Not worth it. But this needs to be told. Okay, Sloan. Stop beating around the bush. Anyway, my job has not been going that well. I didn’t really like it and I didn’t feel like anyone there liked me. Something happened (again) on Thursday and I got upset and mad about it. I texted Mom and told her I wanted to quit. It wasn’t worth it. She said to talk to them and if they fired me, I could collect unemployment. Haha! So I just started praying that if this wasn’t the job for me, for God to make it impossible for me to work there. To make it abundantly obvious that I wasn’t supposed to be there. For them to fire me, if that’s what it took. So, at the end of the day, the manager told me that it was my last day. He was very nice about it and told me if I needed anything, to call him.
Despite the fact that I knew it was probably coming, it was still hard. Like I said before, it feels like you’re not good enough. But, about 5 minutes afterwards, one of the guys that works there hit on me and asked for my number. In an effort to be pc, let’s just say he’s not my type. But truthfully, it was a confidence booster and a laugh in a really crappy moment.
Afterwards, I was supposed to go see Sex and the City with Sarah and some of her coworkers. It could not have come at a better time. 2 and a half hours of beautiful clothes and escaping. I won’t say that I thought it was a great movie, but it sure was pretty to look at. And it was just what I needed. So this weekend is pretty full. Going to the Braves game Friday night and Bekah’s wedding is on Saturday.
Sunday, of course is the lake for Memorial Day. I’m going to start looking for another job on Tuesday, probably. It feels very intimidating, but I’m just going to try to take it one step at a time. I also found my summer sewing project that I’m going to do. My goal is 4. What struck me was when Kristen said that “clothes were a luxury.” What?!?! That thought to me is crazy. It’s one of those things that I know, but just don’t know. So I’m going to try to do my part. I’m also going to still be training for my 5k, but it’s going to be a little harder to make myself do it without a treadmill downstairs. Oh, well. This is going to prove how committed I am! Ha!
…Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. Job 1:21
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17